DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE THE SCARS
I had been dating Joey for just a week when my ex-boyfriend walked up to him while he was on stage running a music show. My ex angrily harassed him for several minutes before saying he was going to shoot him in the head. I wasn’t there that night but Joey knew that I had been in an abusive relationship with my ex for three years and that we had broken up six months earlier. When my ex threatened to shoot him, Joey was on stage working and didn’t know what to do. My ex walked off the stage and headed outside to retrieve the 9mm handgun out of his car.
Thankfully, the manager of the bar had overheard the conversation and wouldn’t allow my ex back inside the building. The evening ended without incident but we had no way of knowing if my ex would still try to harm Joey or myself. The only thing I could do was get a restraining order.
I had spent the past three years constantly terrified of this very situation. At first, my ex was charming and offered an understanding shoulder for me to lean on. I was just going through a divorce and since he was also divorced it was something we bonded over. He told me he knew what it was like to go through something like that and he understood. He waited until I had fallen for him before he flipped the switch.
The first thing I noticed was when he started going through the messages on my phone. Then he went through all of my Facebook friends and asked me to explain how I knew every single male on the list. He told me I had too many male friends and questioned how many of them I had dated. That should have been my first clue to run but I knew why he said his first marriage had ended and that it made him insecure. I thought I could earn his trust with my loyalty.
That never happened.
A few months into the relationship, I ran into my ex-husband’s girlfriend in the bathroom of the bar we frequented. When I came out of the stall and saw her there, I said hello. She and her friend laughed in my face. I had gained a little weight and her friend pointed at me and said, “Wow, Britney, you’re getting married and it looks like she’s having a baby!”
They both laughed hysterically as they walked out of the bathroom leaving me standing there feeling humiliated.
I couldn’t hold my tears back when I returned to the table and told my boyfriend what had just happened. I asked if we could leave. Once we were in the car, I expected some reassuring words from him. Instead, he started yelling at me.
He said he didn’t think I was crying because my feelings got hurt. He believed I was crying because I missed my ex-husband and wanted him back.
That made absolutely zero sense to me.
But I was yelled at and further humiliated the entire ride home. I felt I had to justify my feelings and defend myself instead of receiving reassurance from someone who supposedly cared about me.
Why did I stay after that?
Like so many other women, I stayed for two reasons.
ONE - I was ashamed of being divorced and didn’t think I deserved any better.
TWO - I foolishly thought I could make him see that I loved him and was loyal only to him.
So time went on and things only got worse.
We were out one night and I got up from the table to throw something away while my boyfriend happened to be in the bathroom. As he came out he saw me walking back to the table at the same time a very large man several tables away was typing on his phone. I was immediately accused of running over to give that guy my phone number while my boyfriend was out of the room.
That sort of thing continued but I kept thinking I could PROVE my loyalty and the behavior would change.
My boyfriend hit the roof when he found out I had carpooled to a work function with a male co-worker. The man was married with two kids but that didn’t matter to my boyfriend. He was angry that I hadn’t asked his PERMISSION first.
Another time, we were out with friends when one of them said she had a friend who was looking for a duet partner in a karaoke contest. She asked my boyfriend if it would be okay for me to sing with her friend, a guy named Lucky. My boyfriend told her it was fine (let’s not focus on why he was asked and not me) and she brought Lucky and his wife over to introduce them to us. I really liked them both and I was looking forward to the contest later that week. The next day the friend who had introduced us texted me Lucky’s number so I could arrange a time for me and my boyfriend to meet him and his wife at the venue. Naturally, I immediately texted him and made the arrangements.
This was a man who was introduced alongside his wife to my boyfriend and I the night before. My boyfriend had said he was fine with my singing the duet. I never thought anything would be wrong with texting Lucky to confirm everything.
I was wrong.
My boyfriend HIT. THE. CEILING when he found out I had texted Lucky “behind his back”. I was so confused and I just couldn’t understand why I needed his permission to message someone about something that my boyfriend had already “approved”.
Humiliated, I had to tell the girl who introduced us to let Lucky know I couldn’t do the duet anymore. I felt like the worst person on Earth for not even being able to tell him myself.
Just typing this now it makes me angry at myself that I was so stupid to put up with that kind of behavior. I was really punishing myself because I thought God was mad at me for getting a divorce.
There was also another very important reason I stayed. My boyfriend had a young daughter from his first marriage and I just loved her. I didn’t want to see her get hurt so I stayed. I couldn’t bring myself to leave her in such a toxic situation. I didn’t believe he would physically hurt her but there was so much drama and fighting going on between him and his ex-wife I thought his daughter really need me. His own family kept telling me that. There were times I tried to leave but they would call me and beg me to stay for the daughter’s sake.
And I did.
Eventually, I was isolated from all of my friends. I could no longer have any opinions. I let myself gain a lot of weight in the hopes that men would ignore me and I wouldn’t have to explain why some guy had tried to talk to me. I sat at a table alone while my boyfriend threw darts with his friends. If anyone came up to talk to me, I was later grilled about it. It didn’t matter if they were male or female. I finally just stopped going out to the bar with him and I sat home alone. I would beg him to stay home and watch a movie or hang out with me. But he insisted on going to the bar. When I wasn’t there he could flirt with the waitresses and do whatever he wanted. He even gave up time with his daughter to go to the bar. That disgusted me but I didn’t dare bring it up.
Mentioning anything about my feelings was “starting a fight” and those had escalated. He would punch the wall right beside my head. Sometimes he would cower over me and scream as I cried. He tried to run my car off the road once. The scariest was when he saw a guy hit on me when we were walking to his car. I just brushed the guy off and got in the car so we could leave.
Well, that wasn’t good enough.
I was told that I should have made the guy aware that I had a boyfriend and that it was unacceptable for him to hit on me.
In my mind, leaving the parking lot with my boyfriend was indication enough but he didn’t like the way I handled it. He screamed at me the entire way back to my house. Once inside, he chased me through the house and into the bedroom where I ran to get away from him. He picked up my bed, wood frame and all, and pushed it over to pin me against the wall. I was able to squeeze out and get to the bathroom and lock the door. He pounded on the door and I couldn’t stop crying. I got on the phone with his cousin and begged him to come get him and take him out of there. I was terrified.
You’re probably thinking I broke it off after that.
I tried. I tried on several occasions. He had mentally beaten me down so far that he was able to convince me that each one of the instances was my fault.
It’s called gaslighting.
“Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and to ultimately lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies or exaggeration of the truth.”
I had never heard the term until after this relationship was over. I was so far out of touch with what was really going on and I no longer had any friends who could recognize the signs.
Every day was like walking on eggshells. I never knew what was going to set him off. It could be as simple as asking him to make some popcorn. He was offended because that was “women’s work”. Every day I lived in terror. When he would throw a punch, he always missed me but I never knew when he would connect. I began to pray that he would make contact because then I would have definitive proof that it was okay to leave him.
Emotional abuse doesn’t have visible scars. People can’t see what’s happening to you.
I was a strong, vibrant woman before this relationship. I had helped other friends leave abusive situations. I never, ever thought I would end up in a relationship like this. I didn’t even recognize myself. And getting out wasn’t going to be easy.
I had to do it in phases.
Slowly but surely, I increased my independence in imperceptible ways. I encouraged him to spend more time with his daughter and less time with me. I widened the gap.
I knew that one day, the option to leave would present itself and I would have to run and never look back.
Finally, three years into this Hell, that day came. My boyfriend came over and saw a business card on my foyer table. I worked in a brick and stone shop and this was a business card for a brick mason that I had brought home to give to a neighbor who needed some work done.
My boyfriend saw the card and started screaming at me and asking why I had some guys business card and how long had I been f***ing him.
I felt my heart begin to pound as I realized this was my chance. I mustered up the courage to say that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that and I wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. I told him it was over.
I had no idea how he would react but I couldn’t have been more surprised.
He got down on his knees and begged me not to leave him. He cried and pleaded but I held my ground.
I asked him to leave.
I changed the locks.
I had his cousin come collect his things later that week.
I was done.
I finally stood up for myself and realized that I deserved better.
I wrote a letter to his daughter telling her that I would miss her and that she could still contact me anytime. It was important to me that she didn’t feel like I abandoned her.
Over the next six months, the healing process was a challenge. I had to rebuild my self-esteem. I had to rekindle friendships (with the people who didn’t believe all the lies my ex was telling about me). I had to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault.
My ex still continued to try to get me back. He even texted me a photo of his daughter sleeping with a picture of me to manipulate me into coming back. I was appalled that he would use his own child like that. When that didn’t work, he realized he wasn’t going to be able to get me back. He started telling anyone who would listen all kinds of lies about me.
He said I was psychotic, controlling, jealous, you name it.
He started stalking me. He drove past my house, my place of work, he even followed me when I went out of town on business. My friends kept telling me to get a restraining order but I just hoped he’d stop eventually.
When I started dating Joey, it was clear my ex wasn’t going to leave me alone. With the threat of physical violence, I knew I had to get the restraining order. I went to court on the appointed day to plead my case to a judge. My ex was there to defend himself but his attorney pulled me out of the courtroom before we were called upon. He informed me that my ex wasn’t going to contest the order of protection but he had one condition. I was surprised to learn that my ex wanted to make sure he would still be able to go to his favorite bar. He knew that if I was there, he wouldn’t be able to enter because of the restraining order so he said he would agree to it as long as I agreed to never go to that bar again.
Seriously? That was his priority?
That bar didn’t matter to me in the slightest and I quickly agreed to the terms so that I could put this situation behind me.
Thankfully, Joey didn’t run for the hills when my ex threatened to shoot him in the head. That was over five years ago and we’ve been happily married for four years now.
I did see my ex drive past my office a few times and I knew that any confrontation wasn’t going to be good. We wanted to avoid him. That was one of the reasons we decided to move to another state. Right after we were married, we moved to Florida. The distance made us feel safer. We’ve since moved back to Tennessee but we live in a different city now.
I still can’t believe I ever put myself in such an abusive situation. But if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Please don’t ever put up with this kind of behavior. No matter what you think you’ve done wrong, you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Know the signs of abuse:
They want to isolate you from friends or even family.
They tend to insult or belittle you, even when “joking”.
They blame others a lot, and often times it’s you.
Alcohol and drug use that causes erratic behavior can be a catalyst for abuse.
They instill fear, uneasiness or are intimidating in their speech or actions.
They punish you or retaliate for the time you spend away from them.
They expect you to be subservient but aren’t helpful themselves.
They are extremely jealous of your time, relationships and/or aspirations.
They manipulate your emotions and make you feel guilty.
They get physical. Obviously hitting someone is abusive, but physical abuse can start as intimidating posturing, grabbing or controlling your movements and space.
Every single one of these things happened in my relationship. Don’t find yourself in the same situation. If you feel like you’re in an abusive relationship, please get help. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233.
YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
All my love to you,
Anna Kat
